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“And understand that I do use the word “you” a lot, but it is never to an individual person around me, but an overall perspective to what I have been seeing so much of lately.”
& P.S.- I am not in the mood to proof read tonight past an elementary level, so forgive me for any errors.
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I sit here again to type words into a symphony of an explanation unlike the words I usually construct. For the first time in my life I feel a shift in my motivation, a pride pounding in my heart like a lion’s glorious roar, and a fire starting in my head. One that will burn through the disastrous factory over produced world I have been living in for so long. I have learned that even in the loneliest moments of life I will have something albeit my best friends, family, or the most important thing to me, the ability to listen to music.
The thing that brings me to the ground when I feel like I am floating into the heavens laced with hell. I am a person with many flaws and many successions. And perhaps after two legitimate near death experiences in a week I have taken to view a different perspective to life’s melancholy beat. It is in fact, and not perhaps, I sit here typing to release thoughts instead of the typical sessions of questionable depression.
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The pictures I have been taking for the past week have been so up close to the objects I am viewing I am seemingly ignoring the elements surrounding the beauty I see. It is in fact such a metaphorical stand point to the blinding reality of the situation. To take such a beautiful photo of water with a reflection of telephone poles being lit by the sunlight. The photo to me suits my standpoint of horrifying beauty of a world over run by technological means. But to the viewer’s eyes, they only see what I want to be displayed. And, I am learning more so, is that all people function the same way. They display the comfort and sides of them they choose in those moments of say reflection, but too often is the larger picture ignored. For instance where and when did I take that picture lathered in a beautiful reflection?
I took it at my second job after a recovery from a serious night that, again not joking, could have taken my life. So what does this all mean? It simplistically means that although that picture displayed such beauty, its deviants and disasters surrounding it were hidden, thus I communicated the image I wanted. For too damn long have I made this my overall goal in life; as, to play this strong, handsome, intelligent, perceptive creature who is hardly human and borderlines on the Merriam Webster’s definition of perfection. I have hid behind the concept of my perfectionism and downplaying my life events to satisfy others needs of insecurities thus again looking flawless. But this has become an inaccuracy and devastation to my own seemingly lackluster ego. I hold confidence because the stories I hold back, but have survived may be unfathomable to most.
My devastations have been much more horrendous then physical traumas, but all emotional and mental traumas. Somehow from that, I have come to surface as an intense individual that is the best actor you’ll ever meet. And I am sorry to say to almost everyone in my life for the past few years the way you have perceived me has been a character I created. It may sound crazy, but its not. It’s the will for survival and acceptance. Can you blame me? Have you not done the same? So when I hear the words of someone questioning my worthiness it drives me up a wall and enrages me is such a wrath it is indescribable. Because truth be told, every single thing you assume about me as much is true is also a lie. You don’t know me, and you can think in your egotistical and evidentially and apparent insecure self that you know me very well. But I am more complex then you will ever know unless you take my hand and stare and the big picture, not just the up close shot I expect you to see.
So I suppose from a creative sense I am off my mother fucking rocker, and perhaps a mess, but that mess is also something you will never understand until it is uncovered and broken down.
So the point to the above words as simply I can state is: I believe to judge someone is to be ignorant, and to reach for attention in simplistic ways to help you cope is a fallacy. The only way to achieve pure human relevance is to feed into the truth in your heart with the logic of your brain. This is what I have begun to commit to, so until you do the same from your own perspective I do believe in my personal opinion, you are quite flawed and have no respectful right to ever put yourself above someone else and question their worth.
And understand that I do use the word “you” a lot, but it is never to an individual person around me, but an overall perspective to what I have been seeing so much of lately. So deal with my intensity, and my lengthy near satirical writings, and if you face them with any issue at all I assure you to fuck off <3. But again perhaps that is just the response I am looking for ;]]?
& P.S.- I am not in the mood to proof read tonight past an elementary level, so forgive me for any.
Just Different
So usually I sit here and type when I am morbidly suffering from some type of negative emotion, and that is why my blogs posts are such a rarity, but here right now is something so different and refreshing. I am in now way afflicted by some type of negative emotion knocking at my soul with an infected needle of silicone, saline, or poison,* but instead I finally feel like I can breathe. Some metaphysical and astronomical change has occurred inside of me this past week. Usually my words are riddled by depression and controlled structure preventing the wrong ideas to be thrown out there. And although I want to discuss the shadows in my life going away, in now way am I being metaphorical or artistic, but instead blatantly truthful.
Did you ever hang onto something for so long thinking that your worth and protection was derived from this source? Well I have for so long, but little did I acknowledge that I no longer needed the protection of said shadows. All my life the things I see in a spiritual sense may make some think I am complete psychopath, but not until sitting on the porch with two dear friends and discussing how its time for me to remove the protection I thought I had in my life did it occur to me. Your mind mentally creates the blocks in your head which can be transferred into reality. And in no way am I saying the horrific things I have seen in my life never existed, because the giant blue light that flashed a few feet from my friends when I was finally discussing what I need to do with my life gave some type of, no pun intended, light on the situation.
Realistically blue indicates religion, holiness, and divinity. And although I am not necessarily religious, I do believe in the symbolism of religion: The power of something greater. I wear rosary beads around my neck, not for a fashion statement, but for the sense of protection. The fact they match the color of my outfit is irrelevant. Let’s reverse to the blue light though, because for once I had witnesses to a true occurrence in my life. I had people there to see what I see on a daily basis, but it was confirmation for me to move on. To rid myself of the protected heart I have, and the fear of not failure, but success.
Since then I have bought clothing that I was afraid to wear prior to this week. I have decided to cut my hair soon and do something I was always afraid to do. I have truly enveloped my sense of self, and I am allowing it to pull through. For once I don’t feel so confined to the four walls in my head.
For once I am actually acknowledging things for what they truly are, and am not putting the ideology of only looking at the good. I am not sitting here basking in negativity either. I am accepting the truth for what the truth is. I am understanding human nature more than what I already have, which in the most lackadaisical terminology is, disgusting, in a positive way. But minimalistic-ally my posts usually have some type of sentiment, and this one may come up short but I couldn’t allow that, so let me attempt this new found positive wording and attempt to mold a point.
Don’t hold onto the past as a sense of protection for your current identity, because I truly feel past experiences only somewhat mold who you are. I no longer see them as textbook definitions, but instead “shadows” that hold you where you stood, say from six years ago. I feel as if you can not be afraid to peer out a new window to see what’s really out there. And if your heated melancholy breathe paint the window a shade of white fog, it just means you have to try harder to see what the glass holding you back really is in the first place. We can always see what we want, but we always seem stuck behind a clear visual. Well I say break that mother fucking glass with your forehead if you must, and if you bleed a little at least you are finally moving on.
So for once as I sit here smiling instead of having that stupid wide eyed pursed lip face on I can say I figured something out recently…clearly. I can’t quite convey the point, but I know some where in here it’s laced under all this literature. Look for it, as if this was just a pane of glass with a little mental fog on the page.
[Now the next objective for me to complete since I am slowly breaking out of perfectionism is not being afraid to finish the book I have always dreamed of writing since I was seven. ]
And I would like to finish this whole post with a few lines from a poem I wrote. It may seem out of reference, but for me it makes so much sense. The readers goal is to let there brain decipher whatever message they would like from the words. That’s the beauty of all this. I know what it means, but you can think whatever the hell you’d like <3.
“World reference recall when I break out those claws.
I wanna sin with that pretty boy.
Truth is: false sins.
I’d like to crucify that religious toy.”
